Finding Love: Chapter 5: The Lover

Sexual fantasies... Incredibly oral... Extreme pleasure...

I’ve taken a lover.

His name is Jon and last night, he went down on me in an elevator after having just met. It was wildly inappropriate and I loved it.

The App

Jon and I met on Feeld, an alternative dating app, in early February.

My profile says “looking for a non-traditional arrangement that would allow me to explore the realms of love and sex without the pressure of monogamous commitment and the unspoken expectations of traditional dating… expertise in the realms of kink is a bonus”.

His profile says that he’s a Pleasure Dom, basically there to “help the right woman live out her sexual fantasies…” He states that he loves “delivering extreme pleasure to my partner”. He’s also “Incredibly oral and skilled in this department” (as evidenced by the elevator incident).

What the hell, I thought.

He had swiped on me and though I hadn’t historically engaged with a profile that was so overtly sexual, it was February, dreary as fuck, and there was something utterly alluring about his brazen sluttiness. Plus, he was sexy as hell, so I swiped.

I’d been looking for the right man to be my lover for 3 years and it would seem that I had found him.

And so it began.

The Texting

I knew right away that this was something different. After some brief back and forth getting to know you stuff, it would seem that we had entered into some sort of agreement. He’d be here for work in early March and we’d meet for a night of salacious, slutty, sensuous lovin’. We had approximately 5 weeks to cultivate a Dom/sub dynamic that would create a safe container to play in and he wasted no time getting started.

At first, the whole thing felt sort of disingenuous to me. It was strange to enter into this unwritten contract that was so different from any other sort of “courtship” that I’d experienced. His masculine energy was utterly foreign to me, his unabashed requests for pictures of my naked body, his sweetness, his assertiveness... This man was a potent cocktail, custom-mixed, just for my tastes.

Initially, I struggled to know how to respond to his texts and requests in a way that was authentic. I wanted to participate in this fun game, but I didn’t want to fake anything... I was decidedly uncomfortable with what he was asking me to do even though I wanted to do it.

My most precious goal in these explorations has been that I will not betray myself by behaving or acting in ways that aren’t radically honest and aligned with my nature, my disposition, and my inspiration. I wanted this thing to be real for me. Not just some glorified sex doll to some dude on a business trip.

After some trial and error and very clunky sexting, I found that I really enjoyed responding to him in ways that felt both vulnerable and sexy - I’d found a way to keep the game going without abandoning my authenticity.

Our bond grew quickly and with every risk I took, the reward was tenfold.

The Photos

He wanted to see my titties.

No fucking way, bro. I was so insecure.

I worked up the courage to send him my first nude-ish photo just 5 days into our tryst. I was naked, but angled in a way that you couldn’t see any of my goods - just hints. I’ve never once taken a nude photo, let alone sent one, so this was quite scary but highly (highly) erotic.

He’d been pressing me for photos for a few days, but I kept putting him off.

“I’m shy.” I’d say.

But I was fucking terrified. My body confidence has been a huge issue for me for my entire life, and here I was, directly confronted with the fact that embracing my sensuality and sexuality would require me to work through my body shame, insecurity, and stories about what it means to be beautiful.

And surprisingly, I was thrilled with my photo - it was so beautiful to me, my long silver hair hiding my breasts, crossed ankles concealing my kitty…

I queued up a text to Jon and attached the photo:

Would you fuck a girl like me?

SEND, swooooosh. (OMFG)

It was all so brazen and slutty! Holy shit, this was… THIS WAS FUN!

I was floating, drunk on desire and I pleasured myself right there on the floor in front of my mirror. And then, I sent him another picture of me, hair tousled, post-orgasm, looking like a naughty little whore…

I would be honored to fuck a girl like you.

(OMFG) He loved it.

I could feel the way it fuelled his hunger for me and I got my first taste of something that had been repressed, shut down, and seemingly dead to me for many, many years.

My inner SLUT.

Something shifted in me that night.

In the beginning, Jon had promised he would “unleash my inner slut”. Though I had an idea of what that meant, I had no idea what it really meant, but in that particular moment… I fucking knew exactly what it meant.

I was intoxicated by the power I felt.

I was a massive slut and I loved it. I wanted more of whatever this man was stirring up in me.

And it gets so fucking good, you guys. So good.

Stay tuned for Chapter 6.